There's nothing my God cannot do... except, well...

2018 has been a year.

I thought I understood change, shift, and transition, but I didn't have a clue.

Honestly, I probably still don’t.

Before the year began, I was living in a duplex next door to my sister, brother in law and 2 nephews.

I had been given some unfortunate news about my health.

My third surgery in less than a year was upon me as I entered 2018.

Doctors were looking at me and saying, “With you, having children may be something that is a long journey and very hard for you. You need to know what you’re facing.”

I was looking at 2018 with a look of determination, a look of fear, and quite frankly a deep seated feeling that I was about to experience intense change and had no idea what it might look like.

Around thanksgiving, my sister let me know that she and her family might possibly be moving to a town 8 hours away, depending on a job offer.

Right then, I knew… that gut feeling.

This is where the change starts and it isn't going to slow down.

I knew that the job would be offered, no matter how many people were interviewing.

In my soul. In my GUT.

(you know when something is in your gut? In the most “in your gut” way? yep. that was me.)

I was right.

After confirming that I would indeed have to have a surgery to fix a part of my internal body that would not operate in the lines that heaven created it, I got final news of her moving.

We said our farewells to them just two weeks post surgery and I found myself in and out of doctors offices weekly.

No answers, long waits in waiting rooms and exactly 26 seconds of “hey, how are ya? Everything should be fine, try to have a baby, this is going to be hard for you.” and out the door to the next patient.

My personal life seemed to face wall after wall of disappointment and this innate feeling I began to carry around that “maybe my life will be spent celebrating others as they experience victory and the good change.”

I questioned why I lived in my hometown.

I questioned why I went to church.

I questioned why I did every single part of my life.

I actually started looking at myself thinking “You must have missed a step along the way. Something you missed and now you have to play catch up.”

All the while longing for my physical body to play it’s part the way God intended it.

I recall one night laying in bed, grabbing my phone and scrolling.

Because that’s what a good 21st century adult does when they want to stop the thoughts that haunt them and enter into a world that asks for zero work and all play.

I scrolled through the lives of everyone else, staring and slowly loosing the thoughts I hoped would fade.

That’s when I stumbled upon it.

A video.

A worship set from Bethel Church. A place I visited the September before and have followed along with sermons and worship for years now.

It was a clip of one of their worship sets.

Steffany Gretzinger on the mic, “My God is so big so strong and so mighty there’s nothing my God cannot do.”

A song I learned as a little girl surrounded by the walls of the same church I still attend.

She sang nothing but that line.

Over and over, for five minutes, “my God is so big, so strong and so mighty there’s nothing my God cannot do.”

I stopped.

With the most clarity I had had in weeks.

I learned this song as a child, taught by adults that God is apparently so so big and mighty that there isn't a single thing on this earth or in heaven that he cannot do.

I closed my eyes a minute and thought of all the things I felt defeated by, all the doubt that had swirled about within me and realized…

I have made the decision that there is in fact many things that God cannot do.

I have abided by that mindset, put the harness around the neck of it and rode it down the miry path of self pity and negativity.

I’ve gazed in the mirror at myself and made the decision that God was not a part of my entire walk, just the ones that go my way when I want them to go my way, that He did not want me well, that He did not want me to thrive and that indeed I would be forever sick from pain and barren and alone.

That finances had to be hard.

That I would never live a fulfilling life.

I would never have what other’s obtained, my life will never measure up and that my destiny was measured by the opinion of other people and of men in white jackets.

I decided that indeed there was plenty that God could not do for me.

And I wallowed in it.

Ask my husband, after hearing that song, it stayed on repeat until this very day.

I listen to it, I claim it, I remind God and myself that in fact there is nothing he cannot do for my life.

After a few months I found some answers that changed quite a bit of the trajectory of my story and I, in fact, still ran into many more walls.

I am facing a wall currently that I am not sure the end result of.

Cody and I were right in that gut feeling that 2018 would bring about a great deal of change.

Change that added a new person to our family and also change that asked us to face a thousand walls with no answers and trust that God was big enough to help us scale them.

Change that showed us YES, there is nothing our God cannot do and change that challenges us to stay in a place of trusting that.

Are you praying for a baby?