Friendship with the Enemy.

I want to say that motherhood has been a glorious, most perfect, non overwhelming experience.

It has been wonderful, don’t misunderstand my direction, but us girls go THROUGH it.

Never in my life have I had so much respect for my own mother, not to mention the fact that I am her third child, meaning she went through the whole shebang three times and is still alive— what a queen.

I envy her generation.

They didn’t have the ability to see other mom’s and how they were doing unless they were right in front of their faces, looking at how they dressed or what they drove in *real time, not on a screen, life *.

Throughout my pregnancy, I watched through a screen other mama’s walk through theirs with a 10 pound weight gain and flawless hair. While I gained 60 pounds and grew a random new set of bangs. You think I am kidding, but multiple people asked if I cut my own bangs. “Oh yes, I cut an awkward bang length purposefully… you know, to distract others from my weight gain. It was my grand plan all along.”

After I had my daughter I watched as women who had their babies at the same time as me, shrink back down to their original weight while I carried the leftovers of those 41 weeks and 2 days.

I watched as women picked back up their careers in what felt like 10 minutes after having a baby. Smiling and glowing and carrying their child around in perfect baby clothes that somehow, miraculously never get poop or spit up on them.

Their hair looked clean and they must be sleeping all night because there is not one single bag under either of their flawlessly makeup-ed eyes.

I would watch as all these women were thriving while I felt like I was surviving and I would attack myself.

Thoughts would go through me, “of course YOU’RE the girl who can’t lose the weight. You’ll always be that one.”

“Of course you’re the one who doesn’t have it all together before maternity leave, you’ve always been one step behind everyone else.”

“You’d be much prettier if you could fit in your old clothes again. Sucks that you’re huge.”

I know, I literally sound like Satan… right?

I was walking through my house a few weeks back. We have a large mirror hanging over our piano. Standing there, with my daughter in my arms I looked in the mirror and was completely disgusted with how I looked.

I started pulling at arm fat and staring at my legs, seriously on the verge of tears, talking to myself “ugh this is so gross, I look like a cow.”

It was as if I was interrupted mid-sentence with the voice of the Holy Spirit “When you come into agreement with a lie, you enter into friendship with enemy. Tell me, Laura, is he a good friend?”

I asked myself what a good friend might actually say to me:

-You may not be back to your original weight, but you carried life. A healthy life. Your body is healing and you need to appreciate what it is doing for you right now. You carried a HUMAN BEING, Laura.. CHILL.

-You may not have it all together, but who does? The life you have, the nights you’re awake, the days that are so long, are the best days. You’re raising the daughter you prayed for, what a gift.

-You’re stunning. I love the way you look.

I started thinking about all the things I hated about myself before I had a baby. How the enemy comes into every season and targets us, he prowls around with lies to pin us down into a miry pit of self deprecation and hatred.

He invites us to stare at our lack and hate those who have what we want, instead of learning from them.

Holy Spirit, who is friend, calls us by name because He knows us well.

He never asks us to destroy ourselves to become better, but tells us to love ourselves into confidence.

He never uses self pity and shame to “better” me, but uses hope and kindness to draw me into the perfect version of myself.

Before I had a baby, I didn’t think I was thin enough.

Before I had a baby I cringed at everyone who got to have one while I couldn’t get pregnant. Yes, I envied stay at home mama’s and sleep deprivation.

It doesn’t matter what season of life I walk through, the enemy wants to be my friend, trapping me into a fierce hole of disbelief that I can’t be who I was created to be.

I was created to be love on this earth.

Love to others and love to myself.

When I hate myself, when I hate my circumstance and blame it on myself, I am not who I was designed to be.

Agreement with a lie, is friendship with enemy.

When I agree that I live out of that partnership. I live out of shame and resentment and I can’t give to others what they deserve either.

When I stopped to think about it, I really want my friend to be my… well, friend.

I hope to encourage someone today…

A mother, a father, single, married, divorced, rich, poor.

I agree with our friend, the friend of heaven, that you are much more than any lie you’ve ever listened to.

“keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”

Nah, I think I’ll keep my friends closer and the Holy Spirit closer. He is the best friend I could ever have.