The Path Before Me
I’m afraid of 18 wheelers.
Early March 2020, I was driving the usual path to our family farm. 2 hours straight on i65 north and 45 minutes of backroads to make it to our family farmhouse.
Before leaving town, my husband said with great confidence “oh your drive will be a breeze. Since everyone is quarantined, there’s no traffic. should be a smooth trip.”
I believed him. I loaded up our 14 month old and hit the road I knew so well only to find that his assumptions were tragically wrong.
The skies were clear, the wind was STRONG and every 18 wheeler from here to the Mason Dixon line were all on the interstate. The wind would take my car and push it over, making me grip my steering wheel like i was holding the handles on a scary roller coaster.
The worst part? 18 wheelers were doing the same.
I was a mama alone, driving with a VERY discontent baby in my back seat, attempting to keep my car in its proper lane, and on top of all that? I am afraid of 18 wheelers.
The whole trip I would make one of three choices.
I would either:
speed race past the 18 wheelers and try to get far enough past them before slowing down
I would either stay behind them
I would start to pass them and think they were coming into my lane and either honk my horn (for no reason) or slam on brakes to let them pass so that I could get back behind them
Do I sound insane to you yet?
Why am I scared? no clue. Seriously not a single stinking clue. I have no previous trauma of something terrible happening with an 18 wheeler. I have no reason why i feel the fear that I feel towards them, but the fear is real and it presents itself every single time I see one of those monster trucks.
I made it to the farm in one very emotionally consumed piece. safe.
Emmy Lou and I took a long adrenaline crashed nap later that day.
A few weeks later I was driving a regular route and came upon an 18 wheeler on the interstate.
I felt the panic, I did my speed racer move to pass in the left lane going 96 in a 70. But I couldn't pass it. It kept speeding up and staying next to me. I tried to slow up but traffic behind me was crowding me. I was trapped. I was panicked.
thats when I heard it.
A voice in my spirit.
“Take your eyes off the truck and watch the lines that lead your path.”
We all know those lines right? The ones that are bright yellow and are on the far right and far left sides of interstates and most city roads. The ones that if you veer off the road the rigid bumps call you to attention to get back in your lane.
Those lines show us our path in the dark when we cant see anything. Our headlights shine on that path. Keeping us on the road.
I realized after watching those lines and passing the pesky 18wheeler that the Lord was speaking to me about much more than big trucks. He was talking to me about my life.
I have a hard time not letting small things and big things stand in my way. People’s opinions and lack of approval have been my kryptonite for as long as I can remember. At times in my life I have lived for approval and died to criticism. If I’m being completely honest about the insanity that is often times my 28 year old mind, I can even make up scenarios in my mind of things that can happen and how someone else may respond to me before it even occurs. LITERALLY PLANNING OUT A CIRCUMSTANCE THAT ISN’T REAL.
I mean I can see everything. A big idea I have that I’m excited about but then I consider sharing it and I see their faces, their questions, their lack of approval and suddenly I can paint a whole picture in my mind of a conversation going awry, someone rejecting my idea (therefore rejecting me) and honestly I can even make up what someone else may say.
Often times I have hidden a thought, shut down a path because I didn't want to make someone else feel sad or even have someone question my thoughts OR the worst, I never share something causing more disruption than if I have just braved the conversation. Like maybe if I just don't tell anyone anything, they can never take it away from me with their lack of approval. If they don't know, they can’t hate it. So, I have spent a good portion of time hiding.
That’s when it struck me, like a big fat road sign in front of me: When someone else’s opinions becomes my guide post, the holy spirit cannot be. I cannot see Him or use Him as my guide when I have already handed that authority to the death grip of human approval.
When we focus on what the other cars are doing, we stop seeing how our own vehicle is driving. Leaving us panicked, constantly playing defense, and staying in a lane we were never supposed to drive in. Sometimes, we put ourselves in danger when we think we are playing it safe.
Our purpose in this life is never to be what everyone wants out of us but to walk in the light and purpose that God predestined us for.
Sometimes, it takes courage to focus on your own path. I truly think it’s the kindness of the Lord to know that we will feel fear but that courage is an option that He will partner with us in.
He can’t be present in fear but He can be present in pain and in courage. And sometimes, the path He is taking us on is to show us the strength that can be found when we use our God given courage to face the pain instead of speeding past it, getting behind it, or letting it bully us.
Watch the lines that lead your path and I promise, you'll pass that fear with eyes locked on the truth set before you.
I’m scared of 18 wheelers.
But I am courageous when I see the path before me.
and when I focus there, I look back to see that 18 wheelers end up behind me.
And the line before me never ends.