Retreat Mode
We all love the movie the Patriot.
The year 2000 came in with a hit releasing Mel Gibson as the American Revolution war hero who gathered a militia to defeat the British.
God Bless Columbia Pictures for releasing this fictional character to stir on our patriotism at the turn of a new century. Genius.
I have loved that movie ever since I sat at wynsong theatres with my Dad and sobbed at age 9 watching the thrilling film. Only the child of a history professor would feel so moved.
The end of the movie sends chills down your spine in the final battle. The British are slaying the militia left and right. One of the leaders makes eye contact with Mel , “FALL BACK!” he declares as he watches the men retreat away from battle after seeing a whole new slew of soldiers beyond a barrier wall.
The Betsy Ross American flag flying away from the enemy in complete fear of what could come. The men running away from battle “Retreat! Retreat! Retreat!”— That’s when Mel Gibson observes the scene quickly and ignores the command.
He runs, grabs the 13 starred flag and runs deeper into battle. Yelling out a guttural war cry to send chills down your spine. The men see him and the stirring turns them back toward the battle. yelling out their war cry. The way you yell to just get the hellish fear out of your body.
I connect it to how I scream every time i kill a spider. It’s like i just gotta release all the courage it took to defeat fear completely out of my gut so I can continue on with my day.
Those men let out their spider killing/British defeating cries.
Only amplifying the said chills from spine to arms. Scalp to toenails.
Using only the American Flag as his weapon, dodging bullets and swords, they press on, waving the flag of victory before the battle had even been won.
I feel moved. We are all moved to tears watching all of this unfold.
Recently, Cody (my husband) and I have moved to a new town, new home, new everything. 2020 has taken its toll on all of us, and as a family it’s come full force upon the Bells. Tearing to shreds all plans we thought we had.
-Long distance job part time/turned full time
-miscarriage
-ministry school + a move. turned no ministry school and locked into an apartment lease in another town until July 2021.
-having to move out of our apartment in 48 hours with no plan.
-deciding to move to family farm where said job is.
-leaving family and very close community + familiarity.
-Leaving a town of over 200k people to a community of less than 600.
About 2 weeks before we moved a woman was speaking to Cody + I… without knowing our situation she smiled at us and said, “I feel like the Lord is about to take you two on a retreat for your marriage.”
We both smiled and felt a stirring in our hearts of HOPE. HOPEFUL that she was right. Because we had no clue what was before us.
We made it to the said smaller town. A place where people have lived for generations in their small worlds and among all their friends who have done the same. It’s sweet and kind. It’s everything that you would see and hope for in a small town… when you are comfortable in it.
Yet, here I am living in a home in the country with a 19 month old and I feel the sickness for home like never before. I feel the lack of inclusion in this community —- not because the people are mean or rude but because it just isn’t home yet.
We all know what type of sickness you feel when you’re homesick. It’s enough to make you wanna lay in bed or jump in the car and go back to where you came from. To forget every idea you had in your head because the idea was better than the real life process of it all happening.
On the phone with my mom the other day I told her “I’m so homesick I feel like I could just quit.— I’m in retreat mode.”
“Retreat mode?” she asked.
“Yeah, where I just want to drop all my fighting and run the other way. Run away to the comfort that was ‘before’ all of this. But I can’t. I want to, but I cant.”
That’s when it hit me square between the eyes.
I called it retreat mode. The retreat backwards. The running away from fear and attack and weapons formed against.
The retreat to go back to all the comfort that was home and community and support and friends and a freaking gym with childcare.
But I heard it.
“retreat mode” — What I was using as a phrase to describe what I wanted I remembered the promise that sent me here in the first place.
Every plan + disruption that 2020 swept into our lives was all a part of the big retreat He was sending us on.
Me + Cody.
Running with swords and armor against pressure of the enemy’s battle.
The kind where when one of us yells out our cry to release the fear and tension of courage we used to forge forward, the other cries out to support.
Some nights it looks like wine + an episode of yellowstone.
Some nights it’s laying in bed laughing at each others bad jokes.
Some days it’s hugging each other through tears of homesickness and lack of connection to anyone but each other.
But we press on— retreat mode is upon us. But this retreat is backwards… it’s forging ahead with armor that no weapon formed can stand against.
We yell out against the schemes of the devil. The lack of clarity. The grief. The sadness. The homesickness. the uncertainty of the days ahead. We yell out with the power of the One who goes before us.
Because we are Bells. And when the enemy hits us, our plans, our future, defers hope, our clarity, our vision for next step… we ring louder.
Where the enemy wants me to run away — run back to comfort—- we retreat together.
and ring so freaking loud that in the midst of every broken plan or idea, God is bigger and better than ever. Some days, I wonder if He had to purposefully break every plan for us to simply go on this retreat together.
So no matter how much I long for what I remember to be comfortable.
I think the Bells are gonna rest in this retreat. Waving the flag of victory before our battle has been won, before the story ends.
Friends, 2020 isn’t over yet, let’s retreat.